I DO THESE :ooooo
- Make weird faces
- Say “aww”
- Ask how your day was
- Dance ridiculously
- Lick their lips
- Get frustrated
- Laugh
- Sing to you
- Bite their lower lip
- Make that sexy half smile
- Have proper grammar
- Are funny
- Tease me a little
- Smile at me when i’m laughing at something else
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i find it cute when boys,
I am a shitty father.
If Mexicans can pierce their baby girls’ ears, I can pierce my son’s bellybutton. This is still a free country.
My son just slowly, purposefully picked up a banana & stuck it into his eye. I guess I won’t have to waste any money on college.
How come when my son does a big loud poop in his diaper, it’s “cute,” but when I do it, it’s “sexy?”
PARENTS: Catalog your kids’ bad behavior so if you ever get divorced & they ask why, you can just show them the ledger.
Little kids need to be taught that the 5th time they ask the same question, their grandpa will be eaten by a wolf.
I’m worried my son thinks it’s his fault my wife & I are divorcing. That’s crazy. It’s his sister’s fault.
I let my wife call the shots on dumb shit like money or our daughter but when it comes to pizza toppings, I’m “El Presidente.”
I always tell my daughter that God threw away the mold after He made her, because she’s grotesque & misshapen.
My son has a fever & OF COURSE he hates me using the rectal thermometer. Ugh, teenagers!!!
I think my daughter might turn out to be the next Martin Scorsese! (Her eyebrows are fucking terrifying)
Sometimes I wish my son had a “snooze button!” Or an “off switch.” Or “didn’t look a lot like my Kenyan neighbor, Mbui.
For a white baby, my daughter is pretty cute.
The detective said it was “super fucking weird, but not illegal” to rub Rogaine on my daughter’s back every morning.
You know how you have to light a match sometimes to cover up the smell? I just had to cremate my daughter’s hamster.
Rather than telling your kids Santa isn’t real, just tell them he died. It’s a more useful life lesson.
My daughter can’t stop square dancing. The doctor says it may be Hoe-Down Syndrome.
Putting this train set together for my son is so frustrating I sincerely hope he runs away or is eaten by a bear or dog.
Sad day. We had to put my daughter’s puppy Snoodles to sleep because he farted while I was watching SportsCenter :(
My daughter hid my cigarettes again. Hope she enjoys finding saran-wrapped bits of Mr. Cuddles in her advent calendar.
What was your greatest childhood fear? My son didn’t put his toys away & I want to teach him a lesson.
Parents: Don’t let your kids get fake tattoos. Get ‘em get real deal prison ink & teach ‘em something about this shit called LIFE.
It’s so easy to pick up women when I have my son in his Baby Bjorn, but we’re limited to doggy style so we don’t smoosh him.
Just passed a guy wearing a “#1 Dad” T-shirt. On my way home now to ask my kids what the fuck.
Plastic “honey bears” are a good way to teach kids that real bears shoot honey out of their heads if you grab & squeeze them.
A lot of people told me they unfollowed me today. I will read their names to my children in lieu of a bedtime story tonight.
Roofied my wife & kids earlier so I could jerk off in peace in the garage. Felt too guilty to enjoy myself, though. Live & learn!
Just woke my daughter up from a nap wearing my Willem Dafoe mask & she won’t stop screaming. Guess she’s not a fan?
things literally everyone, regardless of gender, looks good in:
- suits
- lacy lingerie
- eyeliner
- ball gowns
•battle armor
- knee high boots
If you think a girl is slutty just because she shows more skin than you or because she likes to pose in her underwear or nude then I probably hate you.
Once there was a photo of a partially naked girl on TV and my sister said, “Wow, slut!” and I said, “She’s a model.” My sister immediately shut up. She wasn’t a professional model or anything, just a girl who liked to pose for great pictures. My question is: Why the fuck did that make a difference?
You should entertain me.
- 1: What would you name your future daughter?
- 2: Do you miss anyone?
- 3: What if I told you that you were pretty?
- 4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?
- 5: What are you looking forward to in the next week?
- 6: Did you go out or stay in last night?
- 7: How late did you stay up last night?
- 8: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?
- 9: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?
- 10: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?
- 11: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
- 12: Have you pretended to like someone?
- 13: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
- 14: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
- 15: Is it hard for you to get over someone?
- 16: Think back five months ago, were you single?
- 17: Have you ever cried from being so mad?
- 18: Hold hands with anyone this week?
- 19: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?
- 20: Who did you last see in person?
- 21: What is the last thing you said out lot?
- 22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night?
- 23: Have you ever been to Paris?
- 24: Are you good at hiding your feelings?
- 25: Do you use chap stick?
- 26: Who did you last share a bed with?
- 27: Are you listening to music right now?
- 28: What is something you currently want right now?
- 29: Were your last three kisses from the same person?
- 30: How is your heart lately?
- 31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?
- 32: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?
- 33: What do people call you?
- 34: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?
- 35: Are there any stressful situations in your life?
- 36: What are you listening to right now?
- 37: What is wrong with you right now?
- 38: Love really is a beautiful thing huh?
- 39: Do you make wishes at 11:11?
- 40: What is on your wrists right now?
- 41: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused/waiting for the unexpected?
- 42: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing?
- 43: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?
- 44: Have you hugged someone within the last week?
- 45: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?
- 46: What were you doing at midnight last night?
- 47: Do you miss the way things were six months ago?
- 48: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
- 49: Have you ever been to New York?
- 50: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
- falling asleep on someone’s chest
- wrapping your arms around each other
- synching heartbeats and breathing slowly
- falling asleep in big t-shirts and underwear
- forehead kissies and murmured affections
- naps
- MONSTER TRUCKS
Roses are red
Your underwear is lace
Take it off
Then sit on my face

